Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship Paperback
Author: Stan Tatkin PsyD MFT - ISBN: 1608820580 - Language: English - Format: PDF, EPUB
DESCRIPTION
Review
“This book is grounded in the latest brain science, as well as being wonderfully friendly, encouraging, and practical. It shows readers how to stay out of dead-end conflicts and instead light up the neural circuits of empathy, skillful communication, and love. A marvelous resource.”
—Rick Hanson, PhD, author of Buddha's Brain
“I really enjoyed this book and learned a lot from it that I can use as a therapist. Stan Tatkin is a great innovator. This book is a must for every couples’ therapist’s library.”
—John Gottman, author of The Science of Trust
“If you feel lost, confused or alone in your relationship, get this book right now. You will finally make sense out of chaos and pain. This is your map to go from frustration and insecurity to realize the potential of why you initially got together. Stan Tatkin’s insightful book will teach you to work as a team to make your relationship journey safe, engaging, and deeply satisfying.”
—Peter Pearson, PhD, couples therapy specialist and cofounder of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA
“Stan Tatkin shows how our couple relationships would look if we took seriously what attachment theory and neuroscience research has taught us.”
—Dan Wile, author of After the Honeymoon
“Wired for Love challenges partners to experience their relationship in a totally new way. Partners will learn how to engage positively as a couple to help each other feel safe and secure by following the relationship exercises suggested in this exciting new book. In clear, concise language, Tatkin describes the ways that partners can understand and become experts on one another. He suggests building a “couple bubble” wherein each partner is the most important person in the other’s life, the one individual on whom the partner can always count.”
—Marion F. Solomon, director of clinical training at Lifespan Learning Institute and author of Narcissism and Intimacy, Lean on Me, and other books
“Read this book to discover a multitude of new ways to enliven your relationship and end needless conflicts. Stan Tatkin is one of the most innovative thinkers in the couples relationship world today. It's impossible to read this book without learning new patterns to enhance your love.”
—Ellyn Bader, PhD, cocreator of the developmental model of couples therapy, codirector of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA, and author of Tell Me No Lies and In Quest of the Mythical Mate
“Reading Stan Tatkin’s book makes you want to be in therapy with him. With intense and fearless clarity, he takes you into the trenches of the combative human brain and shows you how to make love, not war.”
—Esther Perel, LMFT, author of Mating in Captivity
About the Author
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of the psychobiological approach to couple therapy. He teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente in Woodland Hills and lives with his wife and daughter in Calabasas, CA.
Foreword writer Harville Hendrix, PhD, is a clinical pastoral counselor, cocreator of imago relationship therapy, and author of Getting the Love You Want.
DETAILS
- Paperback: 200 pages
- Publisher: New Harbinger Publications; 1 edition (January 2, 2012)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 1608820580
- ISBN-13: 978-1608820580
- Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 5.9 x 0.5 inches
- Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
- Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #6,644 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #13 in Books > Self-Help > Relationships > Conflict Management
- #81 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Marriage & Adult Relationships
- #87 in Books > Science & Math > Behavioral Sciences
REVIEWS
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My husband had a good laugh over my favorite line in the book: "When we recite our relationship vows, perhaps we should say, "I take you as my pain in the rear, with all your history and baggage, and I take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew, because you are now in my care.""
Wired for Love challenged my thinking about relationships. Reading it was an exercise in suspending judgement. Do I agree with his approach? Could I do it? Do I want to?
It's light on neuroscience for a nonscientific audience. Tatkin gives some specifics and then generalizes to simplify. The net is: We're wired for war, not love, and we need to help our partners minimize the "primates" (the parts wired for war) and grow the "ambassadors" (the parts wired for love).
He categories people in relationships into three fairly useful groups: Anchors (secure), Islands (avoidant) and Waves (ambivalent).
The thrust of the book is that you must make the relationship the most important thing in your life. All other relationships are secondary. For example, couples are advised to agree to tell each other anything going on with them before telling anyone else including a therapist. Your partner is your go-to, safe person, which reminded me of those attached-at-the-hip couples who do not operate as individuals that annoy me. Every word is "we." On the other hand, the idea is that you can't heal your relational childhood wounds without having a secure relationship that allows you to do this. But he says explicitly, this shouldn't be the goal of the relationship. "Acceptance, high regard, respect, devotion, support and safety" is the only way to help your partner with who they are, i.e., a partner operating as an island or wave).
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